Thursday, August 19, 2010

And the Lord Sayth.... I Have Sleep Apnea.

I couldn't figure out how to make this post about religion, until just now as I started typing up this post. Maybe I can't make it about religion per say, but I can make it about faith.

I've been tired for almost eleven years. It started at a very low point when I was 18. The only time I felt safe was when I was unconscious. So I spent as much time as I possibly could sleeping. Ten and a half years later, I'm still tired every day. I can eat breakfast and feel like it's time to go back to bed for a nap. I don't know now much of this is due to the depression or sleep apnea, but I suspect they feed complement each other.

Even though I suspected I had sleep apnea for a long time, I'd been afraid to admit I might have it. I finally did a sleep study this summer and was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea. I know sleep apnea is more frequent among larger people, and I felt so ashamed that I might have it. I thought something like, "Oh my God, now I'm a fatso who needs a breathing machine just to keep me going."

I want the machine to work so I can feel more energetic and get more done, and I want my depression to ease up. But I'm also scared it will work, because then I'll need to buy one, which is NOT cheap. And then...I'll be a fatso who needs a breathing machine to keep going.

It's been hard for me to finally get the referrals for testing, wait for my turn, go to the appointment, go to the follow up sleep study, go to the CPAP machine store to get a trial machine. And now, I'm in the middle of a one week trial to see how well it helps.

What is faith? A friend once told me it comes from an old Celtic verb meaning to walk forward when we don't see the way, to "faythe". I have no idea if this is true, but here I am faything, and being blessed to have those in my life who are willing to let me talk to them about it and able not to lay judgment on me because of my size, whether or not they know what they're talking about or are just hating on large folks.

Praise to my brothers and sisters helping me through this!

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