Having Compassion: Politely Refusing Religious Proselytizing... Or, How I Failed To Do So

I was stopped at a red light on my way home. It was after nine o'clock, and the sky was dark. An overly cheerful man was approaching random passers-by and asking them, "Would you like to know about Jesus Christ, Lord and Saviour?" People tried to quietly refuse him and go on their way. Just before the light turned green, he greeted me.

A Poem - Powers Much Greater

It's OK if I act with fear
I didn't ask for it
I don't deserve harm
I act with a mix of fear and courage
And learn in time
How to act more in courage
Courage is great
Life is great
Great river
Safety isn't wrong
Do what you can to preserve
AND to live
Safety and change
These miracle powers much greater than you will sweep you
You are safe, I think
Keep trusting the spark
Keep asking
Spark hears...Spark will answer

I Got a Hat Tip on Failed Messiah!!!

I'm getting quite active in my retirement from this blog! Anyhow, I found something slightly fishy about an old kiruv program's photo art - it was photoshopped to cover skin and reduce the female body parts of the model. Although I think Jewpiter is a great idea, I do think it also fails to disclose it's ultra Orthodox status, which can cause a lot of trouble for participants. When I contacted Shmarya Rosenberg from Failed Messiah, he published the info. I'm thrilled!

Passover Insights : Slave Mentality and Blaming the Victim

We are in the final stretch of Passover week, and I've been thinking about the basic holiday themes - miracles, faith, and courage - especially courage.  As I understand it, courage is the willingness to do the right thing even when you are afraid to do it. I've felt for a long, long time that I am a person with little courage. Many people have told me they think of me as courageous, because I'm willing to admit and talk about things they might be too scared to. But the things they see as courageous aren't that difficult for me. I've always been bold.

BDSM, Child Abuse and God the Master

Before you read this, you must be warned. This is not a blog post. It's actually two or three posts rolled into one. This post is about a relationship with a Higher/Deeper/Greater Power, love, gratitute, submission and surrender. It's also about child abuse, guilt, shame, gender politics, warped sexuality, and masochism. And then you include the chanting.

What's New in Mamzer's World?

Ok, so what the hell do I write about? At this point in my life, I'm not voraciously reading new material on Judaism every day to try and find something to connect to. Neither am I exploring the world of Christianity as enthusiastically as I probably will in the future, if I stay true to my heart. Of course, I may always have a change of heart. Which brings me back to this blog. What the hell do I write about? My life, I guess.

Sleep - A Daily Sabbath

In the last month, I've been adjusting to sleeping with contraption that makes me look a little bit like Darth Vader. It's called a CPAP machine, or a continuous positive airway pressure machine. I've also been adjusting to the idea of "sleep hygiene".

Hanukkah, Inner Light, and Positive Action

Hanukkah is over; all that is left behind are reflections about the significance of the holiday. I want to take a few minutes to talk about my experience with Hanukkah.

I really saw the beauty of the Hanukkah lights for the first time last year. I used those small, multi-colored twisted ones that my family's used for as long as I can remember. I just looked at the colors and flames. Seeing those candles burn looked beautiful to me. I think of holidays as a time for rituals and actions. But I didn't do anything special. I just looked.

Blog Update

When I started this blog, I wanted to offer unique perspectives that would help others on their spiritual journeys. I have been helped tremendously by learning from other sites and blogs on the web, and wanted to offer the same.

Lashon Tova : Sarcasm, Holy Speech, and Speaking From The Heart

When I was in Israel on seminary, I noticed paper taped to the fridge door in the dorm kitchen. It talked about something called, "Loshon Hora", or correctly pronounced, "Lashon Hara". What is Lashon Hara? If I understand correctly, it translates as "evil tongue", or "evil speech". The halacha (Jewish Law) surrounding Lashon Hara is interesting, because it relates specifically to gossip, or discussions that could cause embarrassment to another human being. What makes this subject interesting is that the laws focus on gossip that is true (there are separate laws for false gossip, known as "Motzi Shem Ra"). Lashon Hara is seen as a such a serious crime that it's said to be equivalent to murder. Up on my bathroom wall, I have a paper that says,

Mamzer at the Movies : The Secrets

I recently watched an Israeli movie called, "The Secrets". It's about a young Chareidi (Ultra, ultra Orthodox) woman, Naomi, who is a brilliant Torah student with limited options in her community. Her mother has just passed away, and she is being pushed into a marriage with a man she can barely tolerate, let alone love.

Mary Magdalene, Holy Hooker

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the symbolism surrounding Mary Magdalene's hair color. But I knew I had more to write; I want to share my thoughts on Mary herself. It's not surprising, given that Mary Magdalene is  a fascinating biblical figure that has stayed in public consciousness for about two thousand years.

I was raised in a Jewish home, and it was only around the age of twelve or thirteen that I began to learn more about Christianity. At some point, I learned about Mary Magdalene. First, I learned that she had been a prostitute saved by Jesus. Soon, I started to hear snippets about Mary Magdalene as an ancient Goddess figure and High Priestess defamed by "The Patriarchy" (which is to feminists what "The Man" is to African-Americans).  And finally, as Jesus' wife and possible divine consort.

Is Judaism Dying?

Some people have an easy time connecting to their spiritual path. I've seen it in their faces. They have nothing to prove. They have a sense of peace and being at ease about themselves. I saw it in the Neo-Pagan scene I tried to join in my teens. I've seen it in born-again Christians and been upset because I knew I identified with them. In seminary in Jerusalem, I saw it in a friend who was relaxing into her frum-keit (Orthodox Jewish lifestyle). Although I have a long way to go, I, too, have made strides in opening up to my path in this last year.

It's clear that, even though our paths appear different from one another, we are actually walking the same path. We are walking a path of self-acceptance. I say self-acceptance because I think there is a natural, basic flow to the universe - a great harmony in which everything fits together. We are tapping into a part of ourselves that helps us "go with the flow". I could separate the aspects of this energy into categories of honesty, acceptance, truth, humility, etc... But they're all just temporary tools to help me grasp this harmony intellectually. If I try to hold on to the distinct categories for too long, they leak back into each other. That being said, this post is not about spiritual harmony. This post is about my ongoing struggle to find a way to connect to Judaism.

Hallowe'en : Pagan Power!

Hallowe'en night will be here in a few hours, and I'm very, very scared. Oh, not of all the phantoms, witches, and monsters that will be roaming the streets - although I'm sure they'll be giving me some good scares when I pass them by on the sidewalks. No, I'm afraid of anti-Pagan prejudice and those who practice it with impunity. I'm afraid of the people who burn books, unlawfully dismiss employees and break up families in the name of God.

I Wore A Cross Today

In my jewelry box sits a beautiful large silver cross pendant with a small oval lapis lazuli stone in the center. I bought it for two dollars at a garage sale a year ago. Today, I wore it. This is the first time I've worn a cross since I was a teenager.

A Poem - I Know My Beloved Is Here

Dear [insert higher/deeper power(s) of choice],

I ache I ache
I ache so often I ache.
I know you are here
I keep reminding myself you are here
the terrifying submission
I fight or is it
surrender whatever
the terrifying servitude
I fight
my lips curl in a sneer
so worthless
I long to destroy my evil self
my serving self
my rebellious self

Jewish Renewal, Yom Kippur, Montreal...

This week, I was preoccupied with learning new job-skills and navigating an ever-expanding work-week. Which is good, because Hashem, Jesus, and Hathor the ancient Egyptian cow-mother Goddess know I NEED the work.

Whenever I start something new and challenging, I panic. And sometimes, I panic all day long. You see, sometimes I decide to cash a check the day before I have an important bill to pay, inconveniently forgetting that the bank will hold any deposited amount in excess of $200 for five business days. And then it rains all day. And my back hurts. And part of me is cursing myself for a low-paying work commitment I'v taken on. But another part of me keeps telling myself I'll be ok, and that I will make it through the next week eating the beans and lentils I've got in my kitchen. And then, somehow, when I get home, I feel ok. I feel like I can make it through. And then, the next morning, I check my account and realize I under-estimated, and I'm going to be able to pay that bill.

And the Lord Sayth.... I Have Sleep Apnea.

I couldn't figure out how to make this post about religion, until just now as I started typing up this post. Maybe I can't make it about religion per say, but I can make it about faith.

I've been tired for almost eleven years. It started at a very low point when I was 18. The only time I felt safe was when I was unconscious. So I spent as much time as I possibly could sleeping. Ten and a half years later, I'm still tired every day. I can eat breakfast and feel like it's time to go back to bed for a nap. I don't know now much of this is due to the depression or sleep apnea, but I suspect they feed complement each other.

So Much Happens In A Week...

So I was so determined to put up the second part of my book review of Bruce Chilton's "Rabbi Jesus: An Intimate Biography" within a few days. And now a week has passed. I decided to go back to that synagogue for Kabbalat Shabbat. Then I decided no to because, Goddammit, I'm Christian. Then I decided to go. The people there were very sweet. I was welcomed. One woman asked me if I was a convert because, she said, she had thought she heard me say I was or something to that effect. But she was so nice I couldn't get mad at her. I was invited to Shabbat dinner, but I declined with embarrassment because I was going to celebrate a friend's anniversary.

A Moment of Honesty

Yesterday, walking to a local synagogue, feeling nervous, dressed differently than I normally would, my head filled with visions of congregants asking me, "are you Jewish"? I imagined, over and over, my witty, ascerbic responses.