In my jewelry box sits a beautiful large silver cross pendant with a small oval lapis lazuli stone in the center. I bought it for two dollars at a garage sale a year ago. Today, I wore it. This is the first time I've worn a cross since I was a teenager.
When I was a teen, I wasn't able to be fully honest about how much the shape the cross resonated with me. And I didn't want others to know why I was wearing it. I wore it as a letter to symbolize the name of someone I cared about (and still do). I wore it in defiance of conventional thought, announcing to those who asked that I considered it a symbol of death, not God.
A cross is a symbol of death in the sense that it was used to torture people to death over a period of days. It's a symbol of agony and horror. It's not a symbol of a death uniquely applied to Jesus. So why is it so compelling? I don't know. It just seems beautiful to me; I love it. The cross is also a symbol of death in another way. To me, a cross is a symbol of transformation. Its the point of no return, a baptism in the cauldron of creation. Transformation is death. Death is life. Life is transformation. Life is death and death is life.
It was a little sad to wear. I thought, please let this not be happening. Let how I feel about things be changed. But it wasn't, and that's okay. I'm changing certain things that reflect who I am more accurately. I have several tarot decks, and one of them is The Grail Tarot, which is based on a Christian legend. I'm wearing jewelry I find beautiful that's also of religious significance. And I'm slowly switching over my day of rest to a Sunday. These things aren't necessarily about "The Truth". I'm not sure Jesus ever existed in the first place. These are just things that feel right for me. It's taken me years, many years of anguish, denial and inner conflict to get to this place. And now that I'm finally in a place where expressing my path in jewelry, books, magic tools, etc... doesn't fill me with dread and suffering, I'm relieved. I feel sad about my choices in regards to my heritage, but I also feel much lighter. I look forward to the next changes, the next piece of the puzzle that accurately reflects me.
You said: "I'm not sure Jesus ever existed in the first place."
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you for wondering about this. Info-tainment specials about the historical Jesus are wonderful at dealing in controversy-for-ratings instead of delivering educational and responsible material.
I might recommend a book called The Historical Jesus: Five Views. It includes the view that Jesus is a legend, a view that is not accepted by the majority of historians. Pay particular attention to Luke Timothy Johnson, a Catholic scholar (I'm not Catholic, so this is not a partisan recommendation).
Also, historical Jesus studies now routinely take the Jewish identity and aims of Jesus as established fact. There is no contradiction between your Jewish identity and seeking to know the person and message of Yeshua (Jesus).
Hope this isn't too much of a commercial, but I'd love it if you checked out my "life of Yeshua" blog at YeshuaInContext dot com.
Derek Leman
Derek, I appreciate your input a lot. In the future, I may very well check out more information on Messianism. At this time, though, I feel I'm just becoming more comfortable with who I am and how I feel.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I did check out your blog; it looks very informative, which I love! One of my true gods in information lol.